Attend the tale of Skimble Todd
by Mandy of the Amoeba
Summary: Rated for later chapters. The Cats characters have to do a production of Sweeney Todd....more to come later.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Yes, I know this parody has already been done. I'm just doing my own version. *g* So....enjoy. This was meant to be stupid and pointless, so.....don't tell me it's stupid and pointless, I already know that. Tell me something I don't know. And if something in this offends you......well, it wasn't meant to. One more note: regular text denotes comments made outside the script, bold text denotes stuff that's actually supposed to be happening. Enjoy!  
  
  
**Cast (in semi-random order):  
Sweeney Todd - Skimbleshanks  
Mrs. Lovett - Jennyanydots  
Judge Turpin - Gus  
Beadle Bamford - Old Deuteronomy  
Anthony Hope - Plato  
Johanna - Victoria  
Beggar woman - Grizabella  
Adolfo Pirelli - Bustopher Jones  
Tobias Ragg - Pouncival  
Townspeople - Everyone else**  
  
Mandy: Okay everybody! Cast list is up!  
  
Cats: *collective groan*  
  
Mandy: Oh, come on.....I think at least some of you will be pleased with your parts.....  
  
(As the cats read over their parts, there are mixed emotions going on)  
  
Victoria: Yay! I get a whole song!  
  
Misto: *aside to Mandy* Um....'scuse me.....but how exactly did she get that part?  
  
Mandy: *shrugs* Well, she's got the whole pure innocent white thing going on.....why?  
  
Munkustrap: *joining in the conversation* Did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason she never sings in the Ball?  
  
Mandy: Well.....no....  
  
Pouncival: *jumps in, bluntly and loudly* She can't sing worth crap.  
  
Victoria: Hey! I heard that, you little twit! I can, too! *storms off to the dressing rooms*  
  
Mandy: .......oh. Well.....okay, we'll just cut her mic off and have Jemima dub her over.  
  
Jemima: Why can't I just have the role!? I've got the whole sweet innocent thing going.....  
  
Mandy: You aren't white.  
  
Pouncival: *interjects* It's because she's black, isn't it!?  
  
Misto: ......Pounce, she's not black. I am.  
  
Jemima: Okay, then. It's because I'm multi-colored, isn't it!?  
  
Mandy: ARG! Listen! The show has been cast, and I'm not changing it now! Deal with it!  
  
Grizabella: *already in costume* *singing* Alms, alms....for a miserable--  
  
Demeter: Griz, honey, hold on. We aren't there yet.  
  
Grizabella: *exasperated sigh* Amateurs! What's taking so long?  
  
Jennyanydots: *flips through the script* *reads over the end* Um....please tell me we don't use a real oven.....  
  
Mandy: Don't worry, Misto's handling the special effects. He won't let anyone get hurt.  
  
Misto: ....much.  
  
Jellylorum: I have issues with Gus' part.....  
  
Mandy: What issues?  
  
Jellylorum: I won't have my father playing a lecherous, corrupt old man!  
  
Gus: Nonsense! I can play any role!  
  
Grizabella: Hey! That's MY line!  
  
Mandy: Okay, okay, stop. Let's just get this started before someone gets hurt...there's enough of that going on in the actual script. Five minutes to places.  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

A\N: I forgot to mention....I don't own Cats or Sweeney Todd. ALW owns Cats, Sondheim owns Sweeney Todd......  
  
  
(The stage is dark, and the lights come up eerily on various cats as they sing their lines......)  
  
**Munkustrap: Are you blind when you're born?  
**  
Mandy: CUT! *cries* Wrong song, wrong show.....start over!  
  
Munkustrap: Oh, right. Sorry. ** Attend the tale of Skimble Todd.  
His skin was pale and his eye was odd.  
He shaved the faces of gentlemen  
Who never thereafter were heard of again.  
He trod a path that few have trod  
Did Skimble Todd  
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street  
  
Deuteronomy: He kept a shop in London town  
  
Bustopher: With fancy clients and good renown  
  
Pouncival: And what if none of their souls were saved?  
  
Plato: They went to their maker impeccably shaved....  
  
Grizabella: By Skimble....  
  
Victoria: *in a not so horrible voice....for now* By Skimble Todd  
  
Gus: *deep baritone voice* The Demon Barber of Fleet Street  
  
**Others standing around: *look up in surprise*  
  
Jelly: Wow.....didn't know he could do that....  
  
**Ensemble: Swing your razor wide, Skimble  
Hold it to the skies  
Freely flows the blood of those who moralize....  
  
**Bombalurina: Ew.....this sounds like it's going to be a morbid play..  
  
Mandy: No, you think? Anyway.....we're skipping to Sweeney's entrance because this song goes on for a while......  
  
(Skimble appears onstage and the spot comes up on him, with the other cats echoing his lines and filing offstage towards the end.)  
  
**Skimble: Attend the tale of Skimble Todd (attend the tale of Skimble Todd)  
He served a dark and a vengeful god (he served a dark and a vengeful god)  
What happened then, well that's the play  
And he wouldn't want us to give it away  
Not Skimble  
  
Everyone: Not Skimble Todd  
The Demon Barber of Fleet.....Street.  
  
**Mandy: Wow! Okay, that went relatively well for a first song.  
  
**Grizabella: Aaaalms.....aaalms.....**  
  
Various cats: NOT YET!  
  
Grizabella: *pouts*  
  
Mandy: *sighs* Okay...spoke too soon....next scene, people.  
  
Pouncival: I'm not a people, I'm a person.  
  
Mandy: FINE! .....you know, that reminds me, we're going to have to change some lines around in Jenny's songs....anyway. Skimble, Plato, keep going.  
  
(Planthony Hope--)  
  
Tugger: Planthony? *snickers*  
  
Mandy: Shut up, mister, I almost put you in this part.....  
  
Tugger: *shuts up*  
  
(Anyway, Planthony Hope and Skimble Todd are just getting off a boat. In London. Yeah.)  
  
**Plato: I have sailed the world, beheld it's wonders  
From the Dartanelles to the mountains of Peru  
But there's no place like London!  
I feel home again.....  
  
I could hear the city bells ring, whatever I would do  
  
Skimble: (interrupting) No, there's no place like London!  
You are young, life has been kind to you....  
You will learn......  
  
(So, the two of them talk about how Planthony rescued Mr. Todd from drowning at sea, and how they must now go their separate ways, then the Beggar Woman busts in)  
  
**Grizabella: *still pouting*  
  
Munkustrap: Oh great, not now....  
  
Mandy: Griz.....uh.....that's your cue.  
  
Grizabella: I'm not going on until my agent calls me back. I'm negotiating a salary increase.  
  
Tugger: We're getting paid??  
  
Mandy: NO! Especially not you....you don't even have a part in this. I can't even afford gas money. How the heck do you think I'm going to pay any of you?  
  
Grizabella: I refuse to go on without talking to my agent first!  
  
Mandy: *sighs* Fine. That's just peachy. We'll summarize.  
  
**(So, the beggar woman comes up to Mr. Todd and Plantony, asking for money and then offering...erm....."favors". Planthony gives her some money, Todd shoos her away, and she runs off calling for alms again.)**  
  
Pouncival: Excuse me, but aren't we skipping over one of the beggar woman's most vital lines?  
  
Others: *look at Pouncival in disbelief*  
  
Jemima: You mean....you actually read the script?  
  
Pouncival: Well.....yeah.  
  
Mandy: It doesn't MATTER! KEEP GOING!  
  
**Plato: There's no need to fear the likes of her, she was only a half crazed beggar woman. London's full of them.  
  
Skimble: Yes.....  
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit  
And its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit  
And the vermin of the world inhabit it  
And it goes by the name of London  
  
At the top of the hole sit the privileged few  
Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo  
Turning beauty into filth and greed  
I, too, have sailed the world and seen it's wonders  
For the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru  
*sarcastically* But there's no place like London....  
  
(Skimble Todd proceeds to tell Planthony the story of "The Barber and his Wife", a tale later retold by Mrs. Lovett --)  
**  
Plato: Hey, why wasn't Jenny's name changed?  
  
Mandy: Because I couldn't figure out a decent way to change it.  
  
Plato: And Planthony is decent?  
  
Jelly: Hey....didn't Jenny luck out on the last parody?  
  
Mandy: So I give her funny-named characters. Get over it.**  
**  
**(Anyway, Planthony and Mr. Todd go their separate ways, and Skimble goes to visit his old landlady, Mrs. Lovett.)  
  
Jenny: *chopping something with a meat cleaver* *looks up as Skimble enters* AH! A customah!  
Oh, wait! What's yer rush? What's yer hurry?  
You gave me such a fright, I thought you was a ghost  
Half a minute, can't you sit? Sit you down, sit!  
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customah for weeks.....  
  
***stops to gasp for breath* My GOSH! Can't we shorten this? I don't know how Lansbury and LuPone did it...  
  
Mandy: No. It's one of my favorite songs in the show. Sorry....erm....you happen to be singing a LOT of my favorite songs....I'll shorten where I can.  
  
Jenny: *whimpers and keeps going*  
  
**Did you come here for a pie, sir?   
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague.  
Ech, what's is that? *brushes a bug off a pie*  
But you'd think we have the plague  
*spots the bug on the floor* From the way that people....  
Keep avoiding...no you don't! *squishes bug*  
  
Heaven knows I try, sir! Ech! *wipes bug off her shoe*  
But there's no one comes in, even to inhale...  
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?  
  
*the tempo slows considerably here*  
Mind you, I can hardly blame them...  
These are probably the worst pies in London...  
I know why nobody cares to take them;   
I should know, I make them  
But good? No...  
The worst pies in London.....  
Even that's polite,   
The worst pies in London....  
  
**Electra: Okay, can we PLEASE stop this? It's getting really boring....  
  
Mandy: Wait! Wait! The best part hasn't happened yet! I promise we'll cut it short! Skip to the next fast section.  
  
**Jenny: And no wonder with the price of meat what it is!  
When you get it, never thought I'd live to see the day  
Man, you'd think it was a treat finding poor   
Animals wot are dying in the street  
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop  
Does her business, but I've noticed something weird...  
Lately all her neighbors....**uh....wait a second..  
  
Mandy: *Sighs* What now?  
  
Jenny: it....really doesn't make sense to talk about her putting cats in pies.....  
  
Mandy: Okay, fine. Put cockroaches in the pies.  
  
Jenny: .......  
  
Victoria: Ew....that's gross.....  
  
Mandy: Heh. Hate to tell you, sweetie, but this is a pretty gross musical.  
  
Jenny: Anyway....okay....  
**Lately all her neighbors....bugs...have disappeared...  
Have to hand it to her  
What I calls enterprise  
Popping roaches into pies  
  
Wouldn't do in my shop!  
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!  
....and I'm telling you, those cockroaches are quick!  
  
**Mandy: Okay, just skip to the last part...  
  
**Jenny: Is that just revolting?  
All greasy and gritty!  
It looks like it's molting...  
And tastes like...  
  
Skimble: *raises an eyebrow*  
  
Jenny: Well....pity a woman _alone_.....*gives him a suggestive look*  
With limited wind...  
And the worst pies in London.....  
Oh, sir....times is hard.....times is hard!  
  
**Electra: Okay, now that we've spent eight hundred pages on one song, can we skip something? It's getting boring for those of us that don't have parts....  
  
Mandy: But....but.....*sighs* Fine. We'll....no! We can't skip this, the whole song is vital to the plot?  
  
Misto: But no one really CARES about the plot!  
  
Mandy: I don't care. It's my parody. I'm going to include all the lyrics I want. So there.  
  
Jenny: Oh, great. Am I going to have a voice left when this is over with?  
  
Mandy: ....we'll see. Just keep going. *pauses* Er, please?  
  
**Skimble: Isn't that a room over the shop? Times are so bad, why don't you rent that out?  
  
Jenny: Up there? No one will go near it....people think it's haunted!  
There was a barber and his wife  
And he was beautiful  
A proper artist with a knife  
But they transported him for life....  
And he was beeautiful.....  
  
(spoken) Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker.  
  
Skimble: *feigning ignorance* Transported, you say? What was his crime?  
  
Jenny: Foolishness. He had this wife, y'see,  
Pretty little thing  
Silly little nit, had her chance for the world on a string!  
Poor thing!  
There were this two, y'see,  
Wanted her like mad  
One of them a judge, t'other one his Beadle  
Every day they'd nudge and they'd wheedle  
Still she wouldn't budge from her needle.  
Too bad, pure thing....  
  
**Pouncival: *covers his ears* MAKE THE SONG STOP!  
  
Mandy: Okay....this one is kind of drawn out....  
  
**(So, basically, Mrs. Lovett tells Mr. Todd about how Lucy, the Barber's wife, was seduced and raped by the Judge and his Beadle. Skimble reveals his true identity, and Mrs. Lovett proceeds to tell him that his wife swallowed arsenic and that Judge Turpin is his daughter Johanna's adoptive father.)  
**  
Bombalurina: Talk about a soap opera....  
  
**(BUT, that's not all!)**  
  
Cats: *groan*  
  
**(She also reveals that she has kept his razors after all these years.....and they launch into another song after Skimble says that he will have revenge on the Judge and the Beadle.)  
  
Skimble: *razor in paw* These are my friends  
See how they glisten  
See this one shine, how he smiles in the light  
My friends, my faithful friends  
  
*continued with the second razor, Mrs. Lovett overlapping* *he is oblivious to her*  
You there, my friend  
  
Jenny: I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd  
  
Skimble: Come let me hold you  
  
Jenny: If you only knew, Mr. Todd  
  
Skimble: Now, with a sigh, you grow  
  
Jenny: Oooh, Mr. Todd, you're  
  
Both: Warm in my hand...  
  
Skimble: My friend....  
  
Jenny: You've come home!  
  
Skimble: My clever friend....  
  
Jenny: Always had a fondness for you, I did  
  
Skimble: Rest now, my friends  
  
Jenny: Never you fear, Mr. Todd  
  
Skimble: Soon I'll unfold you  
  
Jenny: You can move in here Mr. Todd,  
  
Skimble: Soon you'll know  
  
Both: Splendors you never have dreamed all your days  
  
Jenny: Will be yours!  
  
Skimble: My lucky friends!  
  
Jenny: I'm your friend, and you're mine!  
  
Skimble: Til now you'll shine....  
  
Jenny: Don't they shine, beautiful!  
  
Skimble: Not merely silver  
  
Jenny: Silver's good enough for me, Mr. T!  
  
Skimble: Friends, you shall drip rubies....  
You'll soon drip precious rubies.....  
  
**Etcetera: What?  
  
Electra: He's going to kill people.  
  
Etcetera: Ewwww....gross!  
  
Jelly: I don't think this show is appropriate for the kittens....  
  
Tugger: So put them in a box or something.  
  
Skimble: *ahem* I wasn't finished.  
***holds the razor to the sky* AT LAST MY RIGHT ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!!  
**  
Deuteronomy: Ow....*sticks paw in ear and wiggles it around* Little loud, there....  
**  
(So, Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett except the stage, and we move to Vicanna, who is now about sixteen and has been shut up all her life.)**  
  
Mandy: *whispered* Jemima, are you ready?  
  
Jemima: *grudgingly* Yeah....I guess so....I want credit for this, you know.  
  
Mandy: Fine, just don't let Victoria find out.  
  
Victoria: *entering the stage* Find out what?  
  
Mandy: Um....we've been having some technical problems, and we're going to shorten the song a little. Don't worry about it, the changes are marked in your script.  
  
Victoria: Kay. *immediatly launches into song, not realizing that her microphone is cut off and Jemima is singing in her place*  
  
**Victoria/Jemima: Green finch and linnet bird,  
Nightingale, blackbird  
How is it you sing?  
How can you jubilate sitting in cages,  
Never taking wing?  
My cage has many rooms  
Damask and dark  
Nothing there sings, not even my lark.....  
  
**Tumble: Why the heck would a cat keep a lark, anyway?  
  
Pouncival: Because she's a sixteen year old girl in the script, stupid.  
  
Mandy: Okay....this is starting to scare me. Pouncival actually knows what's going on....  
  
Victoria: AHEM! May I continue?  
  
Mandy: Uh, sure...**  
  
Victoria/Jemima: Larks never will, you know  
When they're captive  
Teach me to be more adaptive....  
(bunch of long notes....)  
Green finch and linnet bird,  
Nightingale, blackbird,  
Teach me how to sing....  
If I cannot fly........  
Let me sing.......  
  
**Pouncival: Yeah, she really needs it...  
  
**(Planthony sees Vicanna through her window, and falls in love. Then -- )**  
  
Plato: Hey! Why are you cutting out all my scenes?  
  
Mandy: Because I want to and because they're redundant? Besides, I'm not cutting out this next bit  
  
Plato: Oh. Okay.  
  
Mandy: Griz! You're....oh, wait. Is she still refusing to come onstage?  
  
Demeter: Yeah. She's been on the phone with her agent for the past few songs....  
  
Mandy: Great. Okay, I'm going to let it go for now, but if she isn't ready by the next scene she's in...um.....Jellylorum, you're the back-up beggar woman.  
  
Jelly: WHAT!?  
  
Mandy: *shrugs* Sorry, you're the next oldest available queen....  
  
Jelly: *goes off in a huff*  
  
Mandy: Sheesh, the role isn't that bad....  
  
**(Planthony asks the Beggar Queen who the young lady in the window is....she tells him, and he sings to Vicanna after the old queen wanders off.)**  
  
Jelly: OLD! See? THAT'S why I don't want the part.  
  
Mandy: ......  
  
**Plato: I feel you, Vicanna  
I feel you.....  
I was half convinced I'd waken  
Satisfied enough to dream you  
Happily, I was mistaken  
Vicanna......  
  
**Queens backstage: *sigh happily***  
  
Plato: I'll steal you, Vicanna,  
I'll steal you....  
  
(Judge Aspin enters with the Beadle)  
  
**Tumble: Aspin?  
  
Mandy: You know....Asparagus...Turpin....**  
  
Gus: Vicanna. Vicanna!  
  
Victoria: Oh dear....  
  
Gus: *to Planthony* If I catch you around here again, I'll bite yer head off.  
  
**Mandy: ....that's....not in the script.....  
  
Jelly: Oh, let him have his fun.  
  
**(Beadle Bustoford threatens Planthony, and Judge Aspin takes Vicanna back into the house.)**  
  
Mandy: *checks watch* Well, this looks like a nice place to break......  
  
Cats: *vanish before the word is finished*  
  
Mandy: Oy. *cracks open a Pepsi One*  



End file.
